Saving Gavin (A Dismantling Evan Companion Novelette) Read online

  Saving

  Gavin

  An Evan Series Novelette

  by

  Venessa Kimball

  This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, duplicated, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior written consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  This is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this novel are fictitious and are products of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual events, or locales or persons, living or dead are entirely coincidental.

  Cover by SK Whiteside

  Formatted by Catherine Stovall

  Edited by Carmilla Voiez

  Text Copyright © 2015 Venessa Kimball

  All rights reserved.

  Published by

  Crushing Hearts and Black Butterfly Publishing, LLC.

  ~

  December 2013

  Don’t know where I am. They won’t tell me when I ask. I take a pen from the counter while the nurse prints documents. My wrists hurt, but I don’t know why. Did they hurt me here? Where is mom, Brody?

  I feel cool air on my knee suddenly and I look down at the hole in my pant leg. My knee is bloody.

  Why?

  Think back. What happened?

  All of my thoughts are rushing, only slowing for a few pictures in my head.

  Evan’s work shed.

  The origami crane in my hand covered in moonlight.

  Walking through the woods behind my house.

  The light of the morning slowly getting brighter as I walked onto campus.

  Sitting behind the curtains of the auditorium stage.

  Silence of an empty room.

  I remember closing my eyes and just listening to the nothingness.

  Metal doors to the auditorium clanking as they are opened.

  The sound of walking feet and voices filling the room behind the curtain. Adults, students.

  My hands clutching the black metal gun to keep from shaking.

  “Follow me.” A disconnected voice tries to interrupt my memories.

  Laughing, cheering, yelling getting louder and louder, I stand and push the curtain away.

  That is it. My mind is stuck, like the rest of my memory was wiped away.

  “Did I hurt anyone?” The words are mine, but they don’t feel like they come from my lips.

  The nurse, standing in front of me, clutches her clipboard. “Follow me Gavin,” she says, stoically. Her name tag says 'Cindy'.

  “Where is my mom? Brody, my brother?” I ask, but she doesn’t answer. She looks beyond me and I follow her gaze with my eyes. Two men wearing white clothes, like the nurse's, start to move toward me. They don’t say it, but they look like they are going to grab me. I feel my skin start to crawl then tingle.

  “Don’t touch me, please! Please just leave me alone!”

  A heated grip takes hold of each of my arms and the pain of their touch is instant, forcing my eyes to pinch closed. Screaming sirens go off in my head as Nurse Cindy says, “Hold him still. I need to sedate him again.”

  A sharp sting rises over their painful grip on my arms. My need to get away fails with their burning hands and grappling voices as I quickly lose feeling and sound, fading into solitude.

  I fownd found paper

  scared

  body is shaking

  head hurst hurts

  dreams bad

  brody yelling

  i got you gavin

  i got you gavin

  I need mom and brody

  GF

  Decebmer December

  door is locked

  they don’t let me out

  in room all day

  think they are afriad afraid of me

  where is mom and brody????????

  GF

  January

  They found my pen and paper

  took it from me

  Said I needed rest

  I don’t know how many days ago that was

  it feels like years

  I woke up and found this pen and paper on my side table

  did the nurse leave it for me?

  I have to thank her

  GF

  January

  I can’t remember Christmas anymore

  nun none of them.

  Medicines are making me sick and foggy.

  My head is stale

  I’m behind white walls

  doctors and nurses in white coats.

  Stale faces vacant eyes all around

  I’m scared

  Dad is dead and I am scared of life!!!

  I wasn’t going to hurt them

  After hearing that dad was gone

  it must have

  triggered a seizure

  chain of them

  that is why i can’t remember much after

  writing to Evan

  I just wanted them

  all of those students at the school

  to see what they do

  what they have done

  how it hurt so much

  that I just wanted it to be over

  If it ment meant hurting myself

  that is what had to happen

  Now

  I’m sorry

  GF

  January

  Nurse didn’t leave the pen and paper

  My doctor did

  Not as foggy anymore

  They still won’t tell me where I am.

  scares me more

  Doctors are stiff

  never smile

  just look at me and talk outside of my door

  the others that are here with me

  the patents patients

  they make me sad

  The doctors

  they are straingers strangers to the striange strange

  we are the strainge STRANGE

  and I’m afraid of the strange here

  STOP with that WORD!!!!!

  I stay in my room

  it is dark in here

  like Evan’s work shed

  Every day I pretend I am there

  and I am safe again

  The medicine looks diferent different from the kind

  I used to take

  I think the medicine is making the strange scarier

  Can’t see Brody and Mom yet

  Doctor Larson said a cuple couple more days

  She is nicer than the others

  She smiles

  They don’t

  The name of the doctor is on the tip of my fuzzy tongeu tongue

  she is the one that gave me the pen and paper

  and I rememberd remembered to thank her

  My head hurst hurts and Hamlet's words are jumbling in my head again

  I have to stop now

  GF

  January 27

  Haven’t written in a while... I think. Don’t remember the date of last time I wrote. Plus, got tired of misspelling things and my thoughts and days getting jumbled, then running together.

  Hamlet is straight in my head again and I have a calendar in my small room now to keep the days right.

  Thought I would try writing again.

  The doctors don’t seem so scary anymore. This place, it is called Pembroke Center.

  THEY FINALLY TOLD ME.

  I asked where it is and they said it was about thirty miles south of Braxton Springs. I tried picturing a map, kind of like Google maps or something, in my head now that things are clearer up the
re.

  I saw Brody, Mom, and Evan for the first time in forever today. I was worried they would yell at me or be angry for what happened.

  They were sad, just like me. I think that made me feel worse.

  Brody kept asking Dr. Larson how I was doing, what medicines I was on, and a whole bunch of other questions. Mom just kept looking at me with tears in her eyes.

  I surprised her when I hugged her. It kind of surprised me too at first. I expected the sticky, heavy feeling of hands, just like I expected with Evan before... everything happened, but the feelings didn’t come.

  Mom cried even harder. When Evan patted my shoulder, I felt like I was home for a moment. Home with them.

  Evan asked me how I was feeling. I told her what I felt now, better, since I don’t remember much from the past few weeks. Those feelings, the heavy fog in my head, the spinning feeling and the empty stomach that constantly retched but nothing came up, and the weakness in my body - I want to forget that.

  Brody stood back from everyone while Dr. Larson talked to them about the past few weeks. I had been here for over a month. Dr. Larson said she was going to help me remember things since I can’t remember anything after walking into the auditorium at school.

  The doctor, she knew Evan. I wondered how she knew her until Evan said she saw her too. At first I didn’t get it, but then she said that she sees Dr. Larson for her depression.

  I didn’t mean to but I snickered loudly and said that it couldn’t be since Evan didn’t look depressed.

  She laughed brokenly and sniffled as she wiped her eyes. She said that you don’t have to look depressed to be depressed.

  Dr. Larson and Evan looked at each other in the way I have started to look at her, an element of trust. Just some.

  After my family left, I cried. They gave me something to help me relax and Dr. Larson sat with me until I fell asleep.

  Oh, got to go! Recreation room at 1pm for group therapy session. Nurse Richard just came in and told me. Only my second time so not sure about the people in my group.

  GF

  January 28

  Met this boy at lunch, Andy. He looked lost when he walked into the cafeteria with his tray. He looked at me then started walking toward me. It made me nervous at first, until he said “Hi” and smiled. He asked if he could sit with me. I didn’t say anything, just nodded. No one had ever asked to sit with me. After lunch, we played chess. It was fun.

  February 2

  I forgive myself.

  Doctor Larson says that is the first step. I sometimes don’t feel like I should because of what I caused at school, at home, and with my friends and their families. Dr. Larson says it is guilt and remorse for my actions and that I have to forgive myself to move forward. In my group therapy we've been practicing forgiving ourselves too.

  Some days it's easier to forgive myself than others.

  My sessions with Dr. Larson are going well. She's helping me remember what happened after the auditorium. My memory is in pieces. She says some of that is the medication they gave me to calm me down. I tell her I don’t like the feeling. She says that no one does, but sometimes it's necessary until I can get back to me. That phrase sounds weird but I understand what she means. When I remember parts of what happened, I feel guilty and sad; she is there to talk to me. Talk me through it.

  She shows me tools to calm myself when I get angry and soothe myself when I am sad.

  She and the other doctors are learning more about what's wrong with me. The seizures are the big thing they're looking at. I haven’t had one since being here though, so that's good.

  I really like my group. That guy from lunch, Andy, sits with me. We partner up for activities the counselor has us do. He seems nice. Two other people have started sitting with us at lunch; Sam and Mary Kate. We haven’t started talking to them really.

  Mom, and Brody visit almost every day.

  Lia came with them a couple of days ago. As soon as she walked in, the room felt warmer, brighter. It felt like things might be okay. My Ophelia. She hugged me and told me that she loved me.

  I'm not sure if she means she loves me like you love a stuffed animal or a cute puppy, or if she's just so excited to see me that she succumbs to the use of emotional words. I want it to be because she loves me from deep in her heart, like I know I do, but I won't dare ask.

  Time for dinner.

  GF

  February 7

  Dr. Larson talked to me about events leading up to the auditorium, again. We talked about things from when I was little: elementary school, when Dad went on his tours for the military and how it made me feel. I didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t push me and I thanked her for it. I can’t talk about him yet. It's too hard.

  February 14

  Lia brought me chocolates. When she handed them to me I laughed because I thought it was cute how the box was shaped like a heart. She said “Happy Valentine’s Day” and I felt like a real dope. I didn’t pick up the clue that the heart shape was because of the holiday. Not only that, I didn’t have anything for her.

  Brody hugged me. This was a big thing because he hasn’t before. It was always Mom, Evan, and Lia. Not Brody.

  A couple of times it looked like he wanted to, but settled with shaking my hand. This time though, he walked up to me, just like Mom and Evan, and hugged me. I felt a knot in my throat, which was weird because it kind of made me feel like I wanted to cry. But that is absurd, because I was happy he did that. Crying would be stupid.

  Evan brought me something too. My camera! At first I was afraid I would get in trouble for having it, but she said she cleared it with Dr. Larson and the staff. “It will be good for you to have an outlet,” is what she said.

  Not sure what she meant about an outlet. I’d never attempt to escape and I don’t think the camera would help much anyway.

  I guess she meant something else.

  I overheard Mom and Dr. Larson talking about my staying here until June. Brody started questioning her about my seizures and a diagnosis, but she asked him to step outside with her. Evan came to my side and asked me about the grounds and what I might take pictures of. I didn’t answer her. I was worried about Brody. Evan must have known because she whispered to me, “Don’t worry. I'm taking care of him.”

  That made me feel a little better.

  Andy and I are going to walk around the grounds this afternoon and I'm going to show him how to use the camera.

  GF

  February 20

  Andy and I eat lunch together every day. We sit at a table with two other people. I wouldn’t say they are friends, yet. Sam and Mary Kate are like us; not as 'mentally disturbed'. That is what Sam calls the other patients that act out: yell, throw food, and such. Mary Kate calls them nutters.

  The disturbed, or nutters, usually have to be escorted out by the orderlies, Garret and Hank. They are big burly guys, but since being here they seem to have gotten less scary. I wonder if they played football when they were in high school.

  Anyway, today one of the disturbed throws a carton of milk across the table and it hits the nurse assisting her, setting off the boy we call the rocker. He's always rocking side to side and gets faster when someone starts talking to him.

  I bumped into him one day and he started rocking so fast, I thought he was going to fall over. Hank came over and tried to calm him down, which I thought was really nice.

  I feel bad for the rocker.

  Sam, Mary Kate, and I talk about why we're here. I'm not ready to tell them everything, so I tell them I had a blow up at school; it's true, I did have a blow up. Andy is really quiet and doesn’t say anything.

  Sam is here because he threatened to end his life more than once. Mary Kate's here because she doesn’t eat; they call it anorexia. When she tells me, I look down at her plate. She has a small bowl of fruit, a bagel torn into small pieces and a carton of orange juice. I ask why she tears up her bagel. She says it's easier to look at the small pieces than a big bagel that could feed
a third world country. I don’t get what she is saying. I mean a bagel could never feed a third world country.

  Anyway, her plate looks very different from the helpings of eggs, pancakes and bacon on Sam’s and mine. Andy doesn’t feel like eating this morning, so he only has a carton of milk.

  GF

  February 20

  After breakfast, I ask Andy why he's so quiet. He says he doesn’t want to tell everyone about why he's here. He says he only wants to tell me since he thinks of me as a good friend.

  I feel honored and listen. He says that he has seizures that make him do strange things sometimes. He really hates them since it feels like he misses a part of life when they happen. He's had them since he was a baby.

  I tell him about my seizures and that I started having them when I was in elementary school.

  He doesn’t say anything more about it, so I don’t either. We play a game of chess in the recreation room instead.

  GF

  February 22

  I asked Dr. Larson about my seizures today. Also asked her a bunch of other things. Started with the seizures though.

  I asked if that was why I couldn’t remember things leading up to going to my school with a gun or once I got into the auditorium. I also asked if Andy had the same kind as me.

  She had that look like she really didn’t want to answer me. She did though, but only about mine, not Andy’s.

  Frontal Lobe seizures with psychosis.

  It sounded really scary. I was scared when she told me, which made me forget about asking more about Andy’s.